…is that what you want, me to disappear?

“Nobody knows it/Nobody knows it
Nobody knows it/But you’ve got a secret smile
And you use it only for me”

You don’t have to be so strong so much damn it. Stop it; stop treating me like I can’t be the one there for you. I can hold you, I can care for you, I can love you, yet here you are, throwing me away, why? Is it that bad? Am I not supposed to love you, is that it. Am I suppose to just be your friend and keep on living this lie? No I can’t lie to you anymore. I can’t just be friends with you, don’t you get that? Can’t you see that its tearing me apart trying to watch you go and be happy with some other guy and try and be that supportive friend and say, “Yeah he’s great,” when I know in my heart that I could do anything he could do ten times better and that I know how to make you smile.

I can sing for you
I can dance for you
I can be crazy
I can be intelligent
I can be funny
I can be smart
I can just be me…I can do that with you for the rest of my life

I don’t want to sit here and stare into your eyes and wonder what its like to be lying next to you at night. I want to feel that, I want to be where he is…why won’t you let me in? Are you afraid of me? Is that it? Am I so gruesome, so ignorant, that you don’t want to be seen with me?

No…that’s bullshit…I know what I am…I’m me and I’m the only person right now who’s willing to risk everything in his life, everything he holds dear for one chance with a love at first sight. I do love you and if you don’t love me then say it and I will walk away, I’ll be gone, just gone forever…is that what you want, me to disappear?

So I decided to myself, maybe lying to myself that she was above all it…but unfortunately (for me at least) I kinda forgot to tell her. See that’s th

So I decided to myself, maybe lying to myself that she was above all it…but unfortunately (for me at least) I kinda forgot to tell her. See that’s the thing about this whole “being in love” business, you have to tell the other person and wait for the reaction. It’s like a fucked up game of Battleship. You play out the moves, putting them damn white pegs in the bored for all the missed opportunities, then you get lucky and get a hit. The hit feels glorious ya know, like you’ve finally done something. It’s like look at me I’m the Admiral on The Love Boat or some shit. But then it all comes down to luck cause there’s four directions this boat could be points and god knows if another miss is gonna let her sink your battleship. That’s the bitch of it too, you want to protect yourself at all costs, some people even lie and cheat, moving their ships during the course of the game, it’s really sneaky, but it happens. People are just that stupid to think that the pain of losing love can hurt forever or that it’s the worst pain in the world. How about never feeling love, never having someone love you? Isn’t that something that’s more worthy of the title “Worst Pain Ever”? Isn’t never having a love something far greater then spending 2 minutes and 32 seconds in the heaven that you call your lover’s arms? You were lucky and so was I. I’ve had women fall at my feet, beg for my love in return, yet I couldn’t do it. I could fall in love. Was it her fault that she had me wrapped around her finger? No, it wasn’t it was mine for being so stupid, so ignorant of the fact that she wanted nothing more then a friend. Yet here I am still wondering if maybe I had that one shot, that chance to sink her battleship, would I do it. Could I go in for the kill?
My gut says no, hell no. I couldn’t do it. There’s something about her so karmatic force that’s driving me off. Maybe it’s me…maybe its her. Maybe there’s something to be sad about fate and destiny. They whole idea that I met her for a reason, that it wasn’t all by chance that she laughed at my jokes or sat next to me in class. It wasn’t like we sat in alphabetical order; it was just a random conglomeration of the cosmos somehow pushing us together.
So I decided to let her go…to walk away. She doesn’t like me, hell I doubt if she’s even my friend. Why would she be, she knows how lousy I am at that. Damn it I can’t keep thinking about her like this. Ya know it was never about the sex, never. It wasn’t about how beautiful she was or how I could stare into her eyes forever. It was the thought, that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe she cared…but I was lying to myself, like usual
- Tethered to a Heather Part 2...this one's a bit more character oriented -

I turn 20 on September 24th...wow am I getting old or WHAT

“I’m getting too old for this shit”
- Danny Glover, Sergeant Riggs, Lethal Weapon Series.

Ok so maybe 20 isn’t “old” per sey, but hey man that’s one year away from full legal rights to anything and everything…I can take out a bank loan [excited gasp] by myself [even more excited gasp] that’s assuming I need more debt then the 30,000 that I’m already in. [shrugs] I don’t really know, school is going good I guess and all of this bullshit writing is kinda helping but well ya know that’s how it goes right.
So whoever reads this I feel REALLY sorry for you, but hey if you’re reading my blog you must like something about me…so thanks? I guess?

Death wasn’t so bad, I mean once you got used to it. The occasional jabs in the ass by a demon and the heat, it’s kinda like being in Miami with a r

Death wasn’t so bad, I mean once you got used to it. The occasional jabs in the ass by a demon and the heat, it’s kinda like being in Miami with a really bad S&M prostitute. But death couldn’t hold me back, not even hell could hold me back, from coming up here to tell you a little tale. It’s a funny ole world ain’t it when you picture the circumstances that people meet…or don’t meet in this case. Take me for example. I slit people’s throats for a living, relieving them of whatever cash I find on their person. That was my 9-5 though, my real bread and butter was working over drunk guys and gals outside of bars. Ya see a drunk person is never alone; they travel in packs of stupid intoxicated people much like themselves. It was always an east snatch and grab or a casual pick of the pocket. But not last night, lord knows last night was the last time I got to do what I love. It was because of him…the bastard was supposed to be dead; everyone has been saying he died. He up and plummeted off the top story of the Hancock…people lied to me cause that freak was three inches from my face and had a 5 inch blade…you do the math…hell I’ll do it for you, two inches of that blade were in my gut and I felt that nice warm sensation like you just pissed you pants. Then came the screaming from the drunkards and after that all I can remember is getting really cold and losing focus. The world slid to black and I woke up here with Bruno the demon tridenting my backside.
He’s back I tell ya…he’s back and he isn’t afraid to kill you…warn them, tell them all he isn’t dead…just really pissed off.
- From the new vengance flick...yeah it hints a little at it doesn't it -