fucking red furry bastard!

Elmo is inherently evil
People are inherently evil, its proven day in and day out. I remember watching little kids fake punching each other; I remember middle school when the “Stone Cold Stunner” was the “hip” thing to do. What the hell is wrong with us? We so badly want to kill each other, never once thinking about the repercussions of our actions. This is why our world is so fucked up; this is why I stand here, shotgun in hand having to go floor by floor mopping up the menace that came up here to destroy us all. Its bullshit! These fucking things feed off of our anger, our greed. Case in point, post Thanksgiving Day sales. How many of these assholes literally fight over an item, doing battle over a damn piece of cloth or a toy made by the goddamn Chinese for a 99th of the cost that some retailer is going to force you to shell out for it.
So that’s what brought us here, to the apocalypse. Tickle Me Elmo, Xbox 360, and low low prices on DVD players brought about the end of the world. Who would’ve thought it, a furry red creature hell bent on teaching our children how to count and spell had other plans plotting it his furry pint sized brain. I don’t blame Elmo entirely though…I mostly blame you. Yep, I can officially say I blame you all for putting me waist deep in demon blood, so thank you America and while I’m at it why don’t I thank Europe too. Those people are fucking pigs…can’t wait till I have to get over there. Paris will make New Jersey look like Martha Stewart’s house in springtime. I fucking hate France…ugh, do I really have to go over there too, can’t those fucking frogs deal with this shit themselves. Don’t’ they have some French version of me over there? A snooty asshole with a fucked up mustache and a really bad wit about him? How hard is it to find a demon killing French guy…wait scratch that, let’s just find a Frenchman who can and or will fire a weapon without first tossing it to the ground and running like a school girl.
So I stand here…dripping in pieces of demon and searching for more…fuck could this be any more enlightening. I bitch because I care my dear friends. I bitch because I know the future can be brighter if I just make a slight tweak here and there along the line.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have a Cardavian Skin Demon trying to use the elevator, somebody has to tell this ugly shithead that the thing can only hold 2,000 pounds…but let my sawed-off show him the way to the freight elevator…or the use of a new by window can work too
- Demon hunting a go-go bitches -

when did i turn emo?

When did i turn emolord i will never knowwhen did i turn emoperhaps it was that night after the showwhen did i turn emocould it be that i have not listened to enough coco-cobana club to know what is good for me-o?oh when did i turn emowas it when i fell in love-o?oh when did i turn emo...was it when i tried to rhyme every word in a poem but instead made my own words-owhen did i turn emo?back in the day, which was a wednesday and now its another day so lets gooh emo oh emo let me listen to some coldplayand forget you todayi will be emo...
nevermore...o
- yeah i was just this damn bored-o -

Batting .333

RYAN (V.O.)
I mean it wasn’t like she was going to invite me up to her apartment to screw

Angela sticks her key in the door, then turns

ANGELA
Wanna come up to my apartment and screw?

Ryan’s jaw drops

RYAN (V.O.)
I stand corrected

Heart attacks at intervals

And I remember the great words of my friend George, “5 seconds of lip to lip contact can last for 5 years…if you do it right”
Sitting here, in my car waiting for a chance to light up again, making myself semi-prepared for that last ditch effort that I put forth every time I meet with her. She doesn’t believe in romance, I’m more of hopeless romantic then Lloyd Dobler, this mixture is like an agnostic and a catholic. So I sit here for a second, studying the fine job that I’ve done Armor-All-ing my steering wheel…you can see the little lines in it, pretty sweet if you ask me.
Jamie said I was in love…Jamie is a damn liar…Jamie is a damn liar who is so fucking right, damn her, damn her and her damn not lying. You’re supposed to lie to me, supposed to give me false hope, build me up for a massive collapse then when I do fall you’re supposed to be like, “well you tried” so here I am…trying…fuck I need a square, a single square would calm my nerves, however quitting was last years New Year’s Resolution and I am such a damn creature of habit that I carry out my fucking resolutions…I grab a stick of gum, next year’s resolution, quit the damn chewing habit
I hate this feeling and love it at the same time. My heart is in my throat and simultaneously in my stomach. Its doing the foxtrot back and forth, meanwhile stomping on my lungs…I can’t breathe…I can’t breathe…I think I’m having a heart attack
You aren’t having a heart attack
Yes I am
Are not
Chest pains
You’re 20 years old
Shortness of breath
You still have your damn seatbelt on and its choking you
Oh
Dickhead
Hey
Get you ass out of the car
If I wanted to be bossed around by myself I’d…
You’d what? You’d have no love life, now get your ass out of the car
Yes
Just “Yes”?
Yes sir
Damn right, yes sir, you owe all your best times to me
What about last Tuesday
That was your gut doing the thinking
Yeah, shouldn’t listen to him should I
Hell no, listen to the heart, on occasion I’m always right
That doesn’t even make sense
Shut up and ring the bell, we’ve got business to take care of

- Another add on to "Midwest" hopefully it'll be so crappy someone will feel sorry for me and buy it -

How we ruin our lives one miscalculation at a time

So she sat there, head down studying the floor as I stood, inches from her, wondering to myself what I could do to make this situation more awkward, more out of place. I wanted her for so long, wanted her to want me so bad and now here I am, screwing it all up. Being myself has always got me into trouble, more so because I don’t know when to shut up and plus I have this argumentative side, that never really dies down, I can’t lose the fight, can’t let someone else win. So sitting there in silence, in the only lit room in the house, I wonder to myself. Who have I become to her? Why is she treating me like some damn virus, why am I so fucking worried about all of this. All these thoughts are running through my head. Wasn’t it like an hour ago when I asked her if everything was, “Okay”? Jesus I asked a girl if everything is “Okay”, fuck that’s like going up to Jeff Dahmer, salting yourself and saying, “Care for some fresh meat?” Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

So I lean over the counter top and look at her, can’t bear to breathe those words again, so I take a sip from my water bottle, damn it, what got me here? What got me to this point where I am in a girl’s house at 1 AM and I’m not somehow called her boyfriend…damn it, that fucking label has ruined me so many times. It’s been 3 years since I met her, and up until a month ago, physical contact was never an option, at least not in my head.

Damn this stupidity, she doesn’t want me as anything more then a friend, yet here I am thinking of a way to slip in and become the long distance boyfriend, why would she even want that? She wouldn’t, I mean would I? Ok stupid question because yes I’d kill for the chance to be with her…but she doesn’t want to be with me does she? I can’t just ask her that, that’s worse then the whole “You okay?” thing. So what do I say, what comes to mind first…

“I guess I’ll get going”

You stupid son of a bitch…you are the WORST fucking kind of romantic EVER. Hopeless romanticism doesn’t mean you think romance is hopeless, it means you seize the moment; you take that quick shot that she may possibly want you and run with it. You get her a single rose, you grace her hand, smile at her…fuck, and you just ruined it

She’s still sitting there, damn it make a move, even a small one. So I go over and kiss the top of her head…ok that’s good

“See you later”

She looks up, “Yeah see you Sunday”

I kind of stand in the doorframe of the kitchen, waiting for her to get up, she finally does and we walk to the door, she flicks off the light and ok this is the chance, the last kiss you’ll probably ever get from her, better make it snappy…and I do

I kiss her and instead of thinking of her, I’m thinking of what she is thinking. What’s it like for her, is it euphoria or boredom or just casual…fuck I want to know goddamn it…I want to know if this is right.

I keep asking these questions because I’m second guessing myself, worrying and wondering if this is the last chance I have with her and if it is, how am I fairing, above average, below par, she doesn’t give any signals of me being anything more then a waste of time. It feels like one of those moments where I just want to give up and move on, but that’s the problem, I never have…how does one move on from something that never got rolling to begin with?



- Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental; this post was written November 10th, 2005 in efforts to write a book entitled, “The Misadventures of the Lovelorn Midwest Teen” -